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My unhealthy relationships

So. I don't even know why I'm writing this and I know even less why I'm writing in english. Probably 'cause I'm hoping in some improvement of my skills? We all know this won't happen, but why shouldn't I try at the very least?

I've been thinking for a while now and due to some big changes I'm trying to make in my life, I've decided that I should write and write and write until my frustration is gone. So, here I go... 

1) With my body
You all know. I know. Everyone else knows. 
I fucking don't like my body.
I fucking hate my body.

You can tell me a million times that my body weight is too low and my body build is perfectly okay, but I won't believe it. I know I won't.

Because... do you want to know the truth? I have awful thighs. Ugly, fat, disgusting thighs. The same about my butt. I have also too skinny bust (that means, almost no boobs). And finally, my teeth are just... you don't want to see it. I'd just say that it looks like I didn't get teethbraces when I clearly need(ed) 'em. Well, I did get them for over 4 years. It just didn't help anything, aaaand my parents thought it was too expensive when no results were seen.

Okay, the teeth thing is NOT so bad, just a bit... significant front teeth, but it clearly doesn't helping with enlarging my self-confidence.

So I'm hurting myself. Not like it helped...

2) With my parents
I guess that there is only few people who actually do get well with their families. I am not one of them. There is often shouting. A lot of shouting. Sometimes hits (some meant for me, some not). I even have been kicked when I was lying on the ground. And my brother is trying to kill me almost daily.

It's slowly getting better when I don't see them very often (I'm 'free' for 3 years now, yay^^), but sometimes I'm still reduced to poor, sobbing, crying mess. A few my self-esteem issues started because of my family. That's perfect, isn't it?

3) With... emmm... him.
I often call him 'an Idiot', let's stick to that.

Idiot is my almost-boyfriend. No, WAS my almost-boyfriend. It looked like that:
One day (when he probably slept well), he was really friendly, no, more than friendly to me, we were flirting all the time, we spent a LOADS of time together & our relationship was pretty much provocative. We were touching often, I dozed sprawled on his legs with my head in his lap, I stole him borrowed his headphones, his cap, his jacket, his phone, his blanket... his bed :D... And he didn't say a word to all this, he looked like he enjoyed me using his things. We were also "fighting" - that meant lying on each other with a bit of touching. And he tried to unbutton my bra while tickling me. And other small, stupid things like this. Sometimes innocent, sometimes not at all.
Another day, he didn't even know I existed.
And the next day, we were back in friendzone.

Over and over.

I was really depressed because of him - almost for a year. I didn't know what to do, what to expect. I didn't know how should I behave, what is OK and what is not. I didn't know if I ever had a chance, if he wanted me, or if he was just... him.

When he finally "dumped" me (okay, not me, but my attemps to flirt/be something more/do what I've done at the better days) a month ago, I finally started to be happier without him. Started enjoying the freedom I didn't know I had. Stopped controlling every movement of mine.

And then... he changed his mind (or I've come to wrong conclusion before). He again started noticing me, flirting with me a bit, spending time with me. 

And that's pretty much how it's now. He's trying to achieve something (idk what) and I'm trying to ignore him. I just can't decide, if it's healthier for me, or if it's destroying me even more...

4) With my soulmate
I swear to everything I hold dear to my heart, I love this girl in all friendly ways possible. She is my other (better) half. She is everything I would ever want from my partner. And we have the same perfect (although a bit twisted) sense of humour. She is the only person who can cheer me up when I'm miserable. She knows how to deal with my moods and I know how to deal with hers.

But we are both capable of being harsh. And not in "I said something inappropriate, I'm sorry" way. Really harsh, mean. We are both capable of hurting, even when we don't want to.

And we are both wild and reckless. We're speaking before we're thinking.

It's ironic that the only person who can gets me up from my misery can hold me down too.

5) With my former best friend
She was driving me mad. She was getting me more and more childish. I was driving her mad. I was talking her into crazy things. We were a bad choice for each other.

Until finally, our ways parted.

And since then I'm feeling like a huge part of me was missing.

Here we go. Five most destroying and unhealthy relationships of mine. It was interesting to write. I didn't even know what'd be next until I wrote it. Really... interesting...

1 komentář:

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